My weight= same

Yep: I am still in the 166 zone. No changes to report here.
I've actually gotten down to weighing in about once every week or so, not sure if it is frustration or denial.
I have seen comments (thanks Gen, for instance) from some of my long-term blog girls who say: be happy, you're doing great! And I appreciate those comments...
But at the same time: I have to admit that I am dissatisfied.
About 10 pounds lighter: I felt 'thin'-- and now I feel flabby.  Ten pounds makes a difference-- but it is hard to get them the hell off.

Here is my latest plan: I've stopped drinking alcohol during the week. And I'm being more careful about what I eat.  (Ha, that's a new trick-- watch what you eat??)
Every single friggin time I get myself going on the idea to 'diet' it TOTALLY backfires.  I got it in my head to do an Atkins/ Dukan type thing - but that just backfired.  I simple am unable to diet.

I think about K. about Lap Band Gal hero - hi K- and other major lb success stories. I know for a fact that she is not 'dieting'-- she has a way of eating that she got into a long time ago (measuring and weighing food, being careful NOT carefree for eating for the most part... with a bit of coloring outside the line here and there-- at least that's how I see it) that has allowed her to lose the weight and maintain.  This is great.

But I feel like I screwed up my chances of doing that with the lap band on some level b/c I didn't start out with weighing and measuring and I don't seem to be able to get started now.  That is not to say that I have no self-control.  It is just to acknowledge that my eating habits remain in the 'somewhat chaotic' framework, I think.
On the other hand: I believe there are some very predictable things that I do, on a daily basis, eating-wise, and over time, looking at these, I may be able to make some changes.
That's why I've decided to forego the alcohol during the week- but not at the weekends.  It's an easier 'give' during the week-- I get home in the 7pm zone and I don't really 'need' that glass of wine. I thought to myself about it yesterday and hubs offered me a drink when I got home.  No thanks-- don't need it.

So, if I consider the fact that I was having about a glass of wine (generously poured- maybe 8 oz) per day-- if I cut that out 5 days per week and add nothing back in its place, I'm saving about 160 calories per day. If I change nothing else, it will take a while to lose 1 pound-- which requires a 3500 calorie deficit, right? (About 22 days)
That's on the right track but awfully long to lose a pound-- and if I fail in any consistency on this, it will just take longer.
Therefore: I am trying to figure out something else that would shave off some more calories for me so I can speed up the weight loss.

To do that, I need to consider what I eat/ drink on habitual basis... I know I have coffee with creamer every morning-- that's probably about 60 to 70 calories when all is said and done.  But do I want to start drinking black coffee? Ugh!
The other think that I have habitually done, which is not a particular food, but a habit, is have a late evening snack after dinner-- that's simply because I am not entirely satisfied with dinner b/c I don't think I am doing dinner 'right.'
This is going to take more time-- but it may be the answer...

I have been keeping track, and on most weekdays, before I get home from work: I typically consume around 800 calories-- yeah: weirdly consistent.
Hmmmm.
One thing I could try is to switch my evening 'meal' for a few days to something predictable, like Go lean crunch with berries or eggs (breakfast for dinner.) hmmmm.  That might be filling and delicious, and I might then be able to let go of the added 'snack' if I feel like I've had 'enough' for dinner.

I am essentially thinking aloud-- so thanks for listening, but I believe I've got a potential solution here: I am going to try to sit down for a 'heartier' *I had dinner, I should not have a snack afterwards* dinner... rather than a 'well, I barely ate anything, so I can afford a snack' dinner.

Yeah.  Sounds good.
I'm on it.

Nike progress

Below, you see my Nike fuel band progress and my comments.

I am still figuring it all out- but it is a great tool to inspire me to get moving some more and reach whatever goal I've set.  The only issue I have with it is that it is hard to figure out what "Nikefuel" signifies-- that is a process.

But the bottom line is that Nike fuel can be used as a relative measure of activity- and I've set my Nikefuel goal to burn at least 3000 per day.

This seems like a good level because it takes some effort to get this accomplished (I find myself running back and forth around the house or taking an extra walk with the dog- or even running more in my run/ walks))... but it is a reachable goal. Actually: rather perfect for a 'goal' (smart: specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, time limited.)  :-)

But in the big picture, there is still more work to do - as my ultimate goal is always slimming down by at least a few pounds. 

So let's run through the screens I've shared below:

This is the 'week' view-- the green vertical line is my goal of 3000 nikefuel and I think you can see that I've challenged myself about accurately by the making of that goal for each day for 7 days-- but barely eeking it in a few days. I am CONSIDERING upping the amount of fuel, but am staying where I'm at right now until I think it through a bit more.

This is my NF "Trophy shelf"-- it tells my accomplishments (according to Nike)-- like if a 'soaked' a goal by doing more than 50% more than the goal and milestones of reaching a certain amount of Nike fuel over time.  This tool adds up cumulatively- which is kind of fun... I'm already over 100K NF, whatever that may mean.

Here is both the day view (as I am writing this early in the morning-- with only a brief walk with my dog under my activity belt, not even to 400 NF yet) and a view of my number of days of meeting goal (my 'streak') which is currently 7.  I don't really care much about the 24 number-- not sure, but I think that is the total number of active days. I'll sort that out - I am most concerned with keeping on pace and keeping up a long 'streak' of reaching goals that I set.

I think this one is my favorite: I am so competitive. I love to see that I am smoking women of my age in my activity level. The fact that I am doing this through MOSTLY walking and a bit of jogging shows that the users of this tool who are in my 40 to 48 age group are not major atheletes... but it still feels good and it is one of the things that is spurring me on!

... and here is the month of August.  I just realized that the colors correspond to the lap band colors for fills-- you WANT to be in the green-- red SUCKS and yellow ain't helpful neither!  So, overall: not a bad showing for August... and it is another reason I want to keep my goal consistent and attainable. I CAN DO 3000 per day- but when I pump up the expectation, I sometimes just feel like giving up because I'll 'never make it.'  Weird psychology, but very true.

Totally obsessed!

Have I written about my obsession with audiobooks? The fact that I am so in love with listening to digital book actually makes my commute (and walking / running combos) so much fun.
It is not that I don't love music-- I actually LOVE music and love to sing.  I used to perform a good bit, but never professionally, just in school productions and at coffee houses in college.
It's just that music is very sketchy for me- it brings up various emotions, and sometimes things I don't want to think about.  I know you may be envisioning a complete crazy person, but I often cry when I hear different songs. Happy tears, sad tears, regretful tears, memory tears: ugh. Can you say 'hot mess?'
Example: Do you know the song "Eye in the sky" by the Alan Parson's project?  That song makes me cry every time I hear it- and I avoid ever putting it on quite deliberately because it reminds me of a friend of my sister's who died tragically in a car accident during their high school years.
Yes: it is my SISTER's memory essentially, and I cannot even picture the guy, but I can picture his younger brother, who is my age, who subsequently had a son- many years later (I wrote about it on this blog over a year ago) who also died in an accident.  The son was a baby, who died after he choked on a piece of bread (ugh!!) ... but I've totally digressed.
What the hell was I saying?
Oh yeah: audio books and my obsession.

In case you haven't figured out by now: I am a very intense type of person and I typically don't do anything halfway.  I don't *try* to be intense-- it just happens.  Example: when I started my running career at age 26ish, I recall reading every single thing I could get my hands on (this was before the interwebs made it so simple) about running.  It just occupied every free space in my brain.

And now: at nearly 42 years old (October, y'all) I am OBSESSED with audiobooks, and, right now: with Michael Connelly police procedurals-- though I've strayed to the rest of his series as well, so I'm reading the Harry Bosch series and have dabbled in Mickey Haller and Jack McEvoy too.
Do you know these mystery, somewhat thriller, police procedural novels? If not, and you enjoy reading... give Connelly a whirl.  I love and am totally hooked on these books.
Fortunately: Harry Bosch books are contemporary novels that Connelly wrote (as in, they take place at the same time they are written... and Connelly has been prolific and written one per year) annually since 1994.  There is even a new one that came out this year.  I believe there are 19 or 20 books-- and I am into book four.  I dread the end of this series-- so I am looking for any good suggestions of books that would read like Connelly's.

Note: I've tried Jonathan Kellerman's "Gone." Hated it.
I like James Patterson books, but they are a little more cartoonish and not written in quite the same level of sophisticated style as Connelly's. That is not to say Patterson isn't entertaining-- he can really spin a tail, but he just gets tiresome more quickly than the Bosch series.

So I'm asking for any recommendations... let me know what else might be gripping, and ideally: a series.
However: I would be willing to try a fabulous stand alone book or books too.  I listen to everything, but I just find that crime/ mystery/ thriller genre lends itself great to a car ride or a walk/ jog.  You're so entranced, the time flies by.

Enough of the books: yesterday was a total shit day for me band wise, sorry to say.  It is all due to a stupid choice, very early in the day, to try to eat some delicious pasta salad (is that an oxymoron? Delicious + Pasta Salad= not imaginable...???) that I made the night before.
This pasta salad had totally yummy and fresh ingredients in it: fresh herbs and spices: (parsley, garlic, onion, lemon), fresh red and orange peppers, olive oil, tri-color pasta, fresh mozzarella, salami-- it was an 'antipasto pasta salad' and it was beautiful and good.
Well: I decided I wanted some in the morning-- and I still haven't outgrown the desire (though I cannot accomplish it and my band will totally stop me) to gobble down carby, fatty goodness like that in the pasta salad.
Le sigh.
I tried this, not thinking clearly enough-- and voila: pasta salad stuck, came back up (ugh, I know, gross) and I felt irritated and sick.  It kind of ruined my day- at least to some extent and I really hate when and if that happens... especially hate if I have a bad band experience in the morning because it colors how I am feeling all day. Bleh.

But today is a new day and I am philosophically viewing it as a reboot/ reminder to be super careful and healthy with my band.  I'll be sticking with some good soups and anything solid that I choose I will be eating slowly, chewing a TON and being careful.  It is all good-- my day should be very healthy as a result.  So far, so good at (only) nearly 8am, I've just had coffee and am not hungry anyway. When I do eat, I will keep it simple and healthy and band mindful.

Alright-- enough blabbing for now... off to keep researching more books for when my time with Harry Bosch will sadly come to an end. Glad to say, each book is at least 12 hours of listening-- and I have many more to go before I "run out" of his books on audio!

On being a 'closer'

I have got to figure out a better blogging routine, as I truly love to share and read everyone else's stories, triumphs and struggles alike.
The trouble is that during the week when I'm at my 'place I go' - the internet is monitored.  Fortunately, I can access blogs, and could even write to my blog- blogger is not one of the blocked site (think: Facebook, Yahoo email-- anything universally amusing or meant to connect with the outer world-- you should be w*rking, dammit.)  According to the person in charge of the entire place, to whom I report, we can even ask for access 'as needed' to the 'forbidden' sites, but I've learned so much in the past year and half that I know better to just leave it.  It's the same as applying for the excessively detailed and mine-field-laden 'early leave on Fridays' summer 'policy.'  Who needs it and it is just a trap-- in fact, we were told by the person in charge that the expectation was 'of course' WE'D never ask to leave early on a Friday.. we're too dedicated to having our asses in our chairs or something.  Ha ha,  Talk about drinking your own kool-aid (which is a favored expression where I am during the week-- as in "she's drinking their kool-aid and not getting what she needs to do because she is not listening to US." )
Puke.  That is SO not my style.  But at the same time: I've learned to be incredibly grateful for my current position- what I love is that one day per week, I've arranged to do the thing I do from home.  That is a treasure for me.... and I can actually round it back to the unreasonableness of the person in charge when I started where I'm at... because of that, I creatively figured out a way to get what was promised in the first place and get a legal guarantee of my right to do the thing from home weekly.
I know I am being vague, but if you know me, then you know that I keep these things very vague so that even if they're discovered by anyone- they can do little damage.

I will get back to the 'Art of War' another time, as it is an essential in my day to day arsenal.

Anyhow: my struggle is the desire for instant gratification of blogging.  Sound familiar? (ahem: think brownies, potato chips and any other junk you might eat-- instant mouth pleasure.)
I know that I can actually draft a blog post and post it later in the day when I return home, but I am not as into doing that. I like to dash off my thoughts, post them up and feel good that I finished the entire process.
I guess I am super task completion oriented, it probably makes me excellent at my 'place I go'-- I am a closer.  But being a closer has its down sides.

I can actually philosophically apply being a closer to my overall work on my health in my life, my weight, and anything else where I tend to give myself a beating for an imperfect outcome.  And I can see that being a closer is interfering with my desire to share with my blogging community.  I actually see tremendous value in continuing to blog - I am getting close to 3 years banded (January 2010 was my band date)- and I want to be able to share one of the true stories.
(I would say I am 'moderately successful' from the band surgery perspective - that's another story altogether... but I am happy and better off than where I started, that is for certain!)

You see: being a closer and focusing on the end game does result in success oftentimes- but it also prevents you from noticing the experience and appreciating it while you're in it.  "Smelling the roses" is actually something that I am trying to learn in my day to day life.   I think I am maturing or something weird like that.

I think I've grown a lot in the past several years, and I am happy to share that with you all.  One of the key lessons I've learned is about identifying what's important to 'battle' and what is not worth it.  This is an ongoing process and I'll be in it for life- but it is a kinder, gentler inner life than the one I used to have.

I am probably not making a ton of sense but I wanted to share this notion this morning and get back to blogging-- it has been a week, and that is not my ideal.  I'd prefer to use some time each day to reflect on my thoughts and share-- my inner life is pretty complicated, and it is great to be able to write it out and consider it moving ahead.  Have a great Saturday, who knows: you may see me here again later for a 2 post kind of day.
Cheers!

It's date night

Protein rich, band friendly recipe-- breakfast style

Hi-- I should have taken a picture before I ate my breakfast, it made me 'band proud!'
Here is my recipe for egg white salad with bacon 'crackers'-- this is simple and quick to prepare and yummy.

Egg white salad (makes about 2 servings-- my measurements may not be perfect, so don't use them as exact, they are estimates)
about 1 cup of egg whites (can buy egg whites already separated from the store-- super easy, no yolk waste!)
a few shakes of garlic powder to taste
dill weed (dried)
mustard
reduced calorie mayonnaise
salt/ pepper to taste

Bacon crackers:
Center cut bacon (thick cut best)

To prep the egg white salad:
Pour egg whites into a microwave save bowl and add a dash or two of garlic powder
Cook in microwave on high for about 1 minute
(Carefully check about halfway through and again at 1 minute)

The goal for these egg whites is for them to be firm but not dried out...

When done, carefully remove firmed up egg whites from microwave (they are HOT) and scoop into a mixing bowl.  Add about 1 tablespoon of reduced calorie mayonnaise, 1 tsp or so of mustard, and a few shakes of dill week. Dash of salt and Pepper to taste.
Use fork to combine and 'chop' to a egg salad chop consistency.
Set aside or cool in fridge... it is good warm or cold.

Bacon crackers
Cook 2 slices of center cut bacon on high in microwave for 2 minutes.  While being careful not to burn the bacon, cook as much fat off of the bacon as possible for a crisped and 'cracker' like consistency (basically making it as crisp as a chip or cracker.)

Enjoy your bacon 'crackers' and egg-white salad together-- the 'crackers' can be used to scoop the egg salad up. Mmmm!

Note: this would be a nice and complete breakfast with a few strawberries or blueberries thrown in for fiber.  As for me: today I just had the egg white salad and bacon... fruit a bit later.

Feeling righteous.

As a note: I have found in my 'diet' travels that it is best to find the foods that work (and most diets don't take the band limitations into consideration.) So, I'm carefully trying to ensure that I can eat what I prepare-- because if I make myself something to eat, with good intentions of having a healthy meal, and then I can't get it down or have difficulty with it-- I am prone to getting aggravated and then eating the WRONG things.
I am quite the flawed human, y'all.

So, as I said above, this recipe worked great for me this morning-- and I am glad that I had great protein and a flavorful breakfast that I feel good to have eaten. (Yes, I suppose there are healthier choices than bacon-- but two slices of center cut bacon are hardly taking me to nutrition hell.)

Off to shower! (Did about a 45 minute walk this am and it is hot and humid here-- got sweaty!)

better mood!

I'm in a better mood, if not a totally perfect/ better place with eating.
It occurs to me that I need a damn routine-- I keep changing and changing.  I was most successful for a long period of time when I did the same thing based on 'fear' of the band.

I'm reminded that rice, bread, pasta and sticky stuff just don't work with the band-- and when thinking that through, combined with the protein needs-- lower carb plan is where its at.
I just wanted to share real quick.