Food toxicity and chaos

Yes, that's about right.  I wish I could tell you all that I have this sucker licked- but somewhere along the line between getting my period and being hormonal (I think it does have an effect on my hunger and cravings) and being pissy and in a bad mood, I fell off the eating track and started eating chocolate without regard to the fact that chocolate is really fattening. Grrrr.

OK, back to reality.

And that's what it really is: reality.
See: what happens is that I go into a denial state where I 'just don't care' about what I'm eating (even though, thanks to the band, I cannot eat high volume amounts of carbs and mountains of food, and that really does help me).  Then I overeat the wrong foods for a few days, without regard to the fact that my weight will swing upwards-- and I can actually see the change in the mirror.
Yes: if I am really looking and paying attention, I can see the changes in my flesh! And of course, my clothes go from feeling comfortable to being too tight.

I really hate this. I really find it confusing too.
I get that it is important not to berate myself or start 'dieting' (it is SOOOOOO tempting to think: oh I'll just go on  a 1200 calorie day diet-- I will drop weight like nobody's business!!!!).  The trick is to not to start a 'diet' (which implies impermanence) but to "Re-up" (do you like how that is the name of my blog now, since I have been locked out of Dinnerland?)

It may be just semantics, but these semantics really are important to me.  I need a PERMANENT feeling to my eating habits, not a feeling of 'crash' dieting.  I must be able to sustain (or at least believe I can sustain) the changes for a reasonable period of time to engage in the change.  Otherwise: it is a set up for failure.  Not sure if this is going to make sense to anyone reading this, but it makes perfect sense to me.

I recall the newness of the liquid diet I went on the first time I prepped for surgery (I actually had to prep TWICE because I had to cancel surgery due to a virus I got right before going in...)  I was able to actually stick with that diet for around 6 or 7 days-- and I dropped some real weight only doing liquids.  But since then, I've never recaptured that same liquid diet mojo.
I recall starting other diets, but each time I've tried to go back to that glory and success-- I can never recapture it.

I've looked back in my Dinnerland blog to see how I succeeded in the past or what I did to get back on track-- and I am doing that again, no matter how flawed.  I would acknowledge that I'd fallen off the track and then I'd pick myself up and start over- being careful and mindful of each thing I put in my mouth.

That is the only way to make it work for me now.
Fortunately: when I do this, I seem to be able to stick myself back on the track for at least a few days... but the chaos comes in because then I fall back off again.  So damn discouraging.

I suppose the best thing to do is to focus on the successes and try to replicate them.  Yesterday was a success.  I waited out eating until later in the morning-- favoring drinking lots of low calorie liquids (low cal pink lemonade, water, coffee) and had a good lunch of tofu with a delicious dressing I made of low fat may, soy sauce, spices etc.  For dinner: I was not even very hungry, and wound up eating a few pieces of deconstructed california roll, about a 1/4 cup of miso soup- and a few bites of chicken and shrimp (I really mean a few bites.)  I skipped alcohol altogether-- a good move during the week that I've been working on... I don't always succeed because having a glass of wine or a drink after work is a bit of a ritual or habit that I am trying to break.
However: I don't need the drink now, work is much better and even enjoyable (!) vs. when I used to come home in the past 2 years and 'need' a drink (ugh.)  This reminds me to re-up the 'no alcohol during the week' rule.
Honesty time: where I fall apart is after dinner, I am still going for chocolate or candy.  Yes: I do have these things in the house and you may ask 'why?'  The reason is that if I don't have them in the house, I'll be tempted to go for even worse choices-- so I keep the 72% Ghiradelli chocolates here and I can limit those... damage limitation. Not taken away, but limited.

So, as I'm writing this god-awful rambling post, I'm realizing a few things that I can use for my continued "Re-up" towards shutting down the chaos of my eating and feeling good and better as I eat right:

1) Re-up the 'no alcohol during the week' plan. It is pretty easy, a very limited 'sacrifice' and saves me hundreds of calories per day.
2) Allow myself dessert in the form of the Ghiradelli chocolates-- but eat it as late as possible, literally hold off until right before bed. That way, if I want more than one piece, the damage will be limited by my tiredness and wanting to go to sleep!
3) Stick with liquids in the morning-- wait for lunch.  (Anyone who doesn't have a lap band and conventional wisdom says this is a bad idea, but it works for me).  If hungry earlier, have a laughing cow light or a few spoonfuls of greek yogurt.
4) Eat a protein heavy lunch that works with the band: Tofu is great for me.  And try to get a fruit  or veggie serving in with lunch.
5) Keep at it, every day is a new opportunity to stick with my plans and do right by my body-- don't look back and regret, look ahead and plan!

And that's all she wrote.